Monday, January 30, 2012

Superbowl Madness

Let's make one thing very clear: I'm no sports fanatic.  Husband will attest to that. But even I know that the Patriots are playing in the Superbowl this Sunday. It is virtually impossible to find someone in this state - better yet, in this region - who doesn't realize this fact. But sure enough, there is at least one person in my office building without a clue. You're shocked. I know.

While riding the elevator down 21 floors, I made a few stops. The first time I picked up two guys in suits. The second time, I picked up 2 more guys, one wearing a leather bomber jacket with "Patriots" on the back. Notice how I say I picked them up? As if I'm doing them a favor by letting the elevator stop on their floors. Damn right, I am. And yes, leather-bomber-jacket-man thinks he's a T-Bird. One suited-guy taps bomber-jacket-guy on the back on says "Oh, I see you are a sports fan. I am not. How are they doing this season?"  The bomber-jacket guy chuckles then says "I've had this coat for 10 years."  The first guy repeats with no sign of emotion or humor "How are they doing this season?" The bomber-jacket guy stares back at him intently. First he's puzzled, then he's pissed. Apparently the suited-guy honestly didn't know that the Patriots will be playing in the Superbowl this weekend.

I was astonished and delighted all at the same time. This is the weirdest and most entertaining thing I've witnessed all day.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

It's a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon here in Beantown and I am on the top floor of a skyscraper working. Grrrr. The windows in this office do not even open, which is usually a good thing given how frustrated I sometimes get. That whole "I'm going to jump out the 21st floor window" joke would be a lot less funny if I could actually do it. But today its a real bummer because my stuffy nose could certainly use a good whiff of CO2 and the other great pollutants that are all part of an urban environment. I guess this is inspiration to work harder and finish quicker. (Could this statement be evidence of my glass-half-full policy coming to fruition for 2012?).

I had another bout of insomnia last night. I had myself convinced that evil took me over for most of  2011 and that I needed to repent for better living in 2012. Yup. Raised Catholic. What is it about the dark that makes your mind go crazy?  I mean, literally crazy. I got up and watched tv until 2am. I knew this wasn't a good way to kick off a Sunday, but I figured it would all be better by morning. Bill Maher is a riot, by the way. I'm so glad I have free HBO for 4 more months! (again, glass-half-full).

I finally fell into bed at 230am and all was well until 630ish when Husband woke up and announced that he was leaving for a run. After a little bit of begging on my part, Husband nicely agreed to delay his run for a couple hours to watch the cherubs so I could get some shut eye. This was great news. I was as happy as a lark (no idea what that means, but I think people say it and I assume that larks are very happy birds; they are birds, right?) until my son snuck up on me and screamed "MUFFIN PARTY!" at the top of his lungs within 3 inches of my nose. It was a terrific way to be awoken from the deepest sleep of my lifetime. I mumbled something incoherent and rolled back over, only to be awoken ten minutes later when Husband announced he was really leaving this time. Really? I'm still recovering from the muffin party announcement. Ugh. I had so many objections to this plan, but I couldn't get myself together enough to verbalize them. Before I knew it, the front door was closing and Husband was sprinting away from the house. For a moment I thought about going back to sleep, but then I remembered these are my kids. Curious and creative little buggers. They require constant supervision. And handcuffs.

When I got around to opening my eyes, I quickly realized that I was half blind. Okay, not blind as in completely dark. But it was partly dark and so blurry that I could not see. I was sure it was some pesky lint or sleep dust or something in there, so I rummaged through the dirty tissue purse and doused my cheeks with eye drops before finally hitting my targets. Nope, the drops didn't work. So I flushed the eyeballs with water. Nope, the water didn't work. Hmph. If I didn't have Lasik surgery 2 weeks ago, I would have sought medical attention the way I usually do: Google. But since I did, I was taking every precaution and seeking the advice of an actual professional (or at least someone who had assumed insane amounts of medical school debt, which must make them worthy of some sort of valuable advice).  I stumbled downstairs and called an on-call physician who was less than thrilled to have her Sunday origami session interrupted by some blinded chick. Long story short, I cured myself of dry-eye and the on-call doctor was thrilled to have done absolutely nothing. I didn't even consult Google. I knew I should have been a doctor!

Now, if it wasn't the insomnia then I was sure the temporary blindness would have been the low point of my Sunday. "It can only go upwards from here" I was thinking. But then my almost-2 yr old daughter pooped on my 3 yr old son's bedroom carpet. What is up with this kid and pooping on the carpet? It's unbelievable! I got that cleaned up and was sure that was the low point of my Sunday. Then I remembered how many deadlines I have on Monday and decided to come to work to avoid a panic attack. Working on a Sunday is brutal enough, but then I find colleague-so&so in the next office down blasting opera music and stirring up all sorts of dust and other air born particles while "cleaning". Doesn't this dude know the particles are better off deep in the carpet fibers and heating ducts? Swishing them around in the air is going to make us all sterile. To his credit, he turned down the Barbara Streisand (or was it opera?) immediately, but I can't breath and my nose is as stuffy as it's been in years. If this is not my low point for today, then it is especially good that my skyscraper window doesn't open. For him and for me.

I will sign off now to embark on a moment of silence and pray that this is, in fact, the worst part of my Sunday. There is nothing but savory & sweet rainbows in store for the rest of my afternoon. Yes, Husband took the two kids grocery shopping. Score one for me!

Ta-ta. For now.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Deep Thoughts by Lady in Heels (Part Two)

Forgot one!
  • What is it about the sensation of open air that makes a 2 yr old feel the need to poop on a rug? Potty training is the worst. Fortunately, our local carpet cleaner is the best. This is nature's way of balancing the universe.

Deep Thoughts by a Lady in Heels

I have been slacking with recent posts which is okay since no one reads this blog anyway. Here is a random smattering of thoughts that have crossed my mind recently:
  • I love it when people wander around in public singing at the top of their lungs. I noticed it recently in a dressing room at the mall and the parking lot of Stop & Shop. To all you American Idol Wannabes, please keep this up. It's seriously hilarious. You simply cannot beat someone getting lost in song. Especially when they're tone deaf. 
  • What's with the diagnosis of "exhaustion" that seems to be disproportionately impacting celebrities? I am exhausted. How do I get checked into a special center for some pampering and sleep? I'm not sure if these PR people are trying to cover up celeb rehab or plastic surgery, but if this "exhaustion" center stuff is real, I need in.
  • I am convinced that some "people" are actually vessels sent here by God to test my willpower against evil. There is no other explanation for why I am forced to interact with some incredibly useless and difficult people. You know the type. They are insecure about their station in life and make everything harder than it needs to be in an effort to prove they are smarter than you. I have a special message for these people: This. Doesn't. Work. Other (productive) people don't want to work with you. The mere sight of them is exhausting (Note: Does this make me eligible for admission to an exhaustion center?) Noticeable avoidance by others seems to make these people work harder to demand control, which then makes us (smarter) people work harder to avoid them. It's an endless cycle of distraction generated by people with a negative value in the workplace. And I am sorry to say that I'm failing God's test miserably. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm Catholic.
  • But hiding in the women's room from the kinds of people referenced above is not a good idea. I tried it last week and got stuck in the stall for 20 minutes. Not only was I trapped in a confined space listening to the annoying-kind demanding that the conscientious-kind slow down and virtually cease all productivity. But I lost at least 40 minutes of my own productivity (20-minutes listening followed by 20-minutes of deep breathing to recenter). I was too far into it when I noticed my easily recognizable shoes sticking out of the stall. Not good. This was an all-around bad judgement call on my part. I can admit that.
  • What's with people who make un-funny jokes during presentations? It's annoying. I had to sit through a panel yesterday that was twice as long as it needed to be because some guy mistook our conference room for the Last Comic Standing auditions. The law-making process is not funny, buddy. And the insincere giggles were reactions of sympathy, not humor. Your tribe has spoken. Now, get off this island. If it were only that easy.
  • Speaking of tribes and islands, when does the reality tv come back? I miss you, Jeff Probst, Celo-Blake-Christina, and the whole Trump family. Chris Harrison is terrific, don't get me wrong. But he and his roses are simply not enough to keep me entertained through the long, cold winter months. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has just wound down too. It's been a rough week for me, emotionally.
  • Groupon has me stumped today. Do I go for 65% off Invisalign or 60% off 20-units of Botox? This decision is paralyzing. I'm sure I need them both, but which do I need more? And is saving for college tuition a worthy sacrifice for beauty. Duh. That's an easy one.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Mutism Would Come in Handy Right About Now

One important question for today: Why is it that every conference call starts off the same damn way? The moderator announces he/she is there, then silence...until six people all try to introduce themselves at the same time. It never fails. It goes down this way Every. Damn. Time. Then we wait awkwardly for one important person who unapologetically calls in late and then yells "HELLO?!?!" as if this is their very first experience with this new fangled technology called a telephone. Embarrassing. There's got to be a better way.

One more important question: Why the hell did God give me the power of speech? It creates some serious problems for me and everyone around me. For instance, while in the dentist chair recently I announced that "I am a compulsive swallower." My dentist is 18. And he turned purple. The nurse did her best not to laugh in my face by invoking some fake coughing. Horrible. What is wrong with me? I know why I said it, but its not worth defending here in print. It was just so wrong and then so awkward.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


Terrific. My office building has hired an overzealous security guard who is posted at the entrance of our parking garage. The boy-man resembles GI Joe with his combat pants tucked into his combat boots. I didn't notice this feature of the uniform previously. Perhaps the prior guards just didn't wear it as well.

All I know is that this guy is holding up traffic as he spends garage-rush-hour leaping into car windows, in close-talker proximity to your face, scanning the interior of your vehicle for suspicious objects. Then his eyes dart frantically between your identification badge and your face. Millions of times over. For what seems like an hour. I think he's trying to make me nervous, but I love a good staring contest so it isn't working.

Someone must have told him that the woman in the SUV with two baby seats and a few thousand goldfish and empty juice boxes on the floor is a major threat. I can't say he's completely off base there.

Okay. It's dark and creepy in my office at this moment and I am sort of convinced that GI Joe is hiding behind a file cabinet spying on me. Wait. Did someone say something about bats?

P.S. That's right folks. I have a comment. You know what that means: I'm baaaaaack! No followers yet, but I'm sure they're out there. Probably hiding behind the file cabinet with GI Joe.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I have gone bat-ass crazy. How do you know, you ask? Well, I dreamt it.  I awoke in a frenzy this very morning after one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had. No, I wasn't falling. But I was refinishing my basement. Something that has been discussed at great lengths in my household, including a conversation yesterday. So, in this "dream" (perhaps better described as a nightmare or even hallucination), I entered the basement prepared to commence construction. Myself. Heh. Little did I know that there was a pack of bats cloaked in the grey of their own wings and disguised as part of the concrete basement floor just steps away. As I started to mount the stick-on ceiling tiles (which looked like crap, by the way), I stepped right into the pack of bats and they swarmed me. Biting and nipping at my whole body.

I should have died from the very shock of this dream.  It was crazy intense. Instead, I woke up thinking that I'd gone mad. What kind of person dreams about being swarmed by bats? Weird, right?

My day went on as I tried to figure out how I was going to cope with insanity. Then I clicked on and remembered that I stayed up too late last night to view the 11pm news, where I heard that a local man contracted rabies from a bat bite in his home. Then I heard that bats can bite people while they are sleeping and the little mongrel teeth are so small that the person may not wake up or even notice the bite. Holy crap. Yup, that's scary enough to cause nightmares alright. Here's a clip of the story in the event that you want to go a little nuts too.

Who needs horror flicks when you've got the 11pm news? Serves me right for trying to educate myself by way of mainstream media. Ignorant is by far the best way to go.