Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas Shopping

If you want to know what hell is like, visit the South Shore Plaza a few days before Christmas. Parking is a nightmare. Cars stalking mall-leavers. People screaming from car windows. Some nice man tried directing me to the parking spot that he was about to leave and some nutty lady with a perm rolled down her window and screamed, "I was here first, a**hole!" Three cars (including me) had to back into the flow of moving traffic so she could back up enough to get into his spot. Unbelievable. And that was just the parking lot.

Once inside, I quickly noticed that size 4T was sold out of every store. How is this possible? It took combing 6 stores to find a suitable sweater vest for my son for Christmas Eve. Sweater vests are so lame, but I tried a blazer last year and my little guy looked 70. What's a mommy to do?

Will someone please explain to me what is up with old women and line-cutting? It's so damn rude. I realize you're small, but you're not invisible. It is downright mean to step in front of a sweaty mother wearing dirty velour sweats trying to balance 16 bags and pay for a sweater vest. Sweet-talking me with your little old lady voice and trying to share your Macy's coupon does not make it any better. You're a cutter. Own it, jerk face.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ebenezer in Heels

Today I ruined Christmas for poor kids everywhere. I stumbled into the lobby of my office building carrying a tray of self-baked cookies, a bag of Toys for Tots, another bag of wine and treats for my colleague, a briefcase holding only the yoga video that someone sent me by way of inter-office mail, a purse stuffed full of dirty tissues, and a travel mug full of steaming coffee. Several people offered to help. Several times I rejected. I have no idea why I do that when I so clearly need the help...but I do.

Needless to say, I set the travel mug down on the edge of the Toys for Tots bin hoping to make a seamless deposit and fulfill my daily contribution to humankind. It is important to note that the bin is on wheels and not the most obvious spot to rest your hot beverages. Within seconds, my travel mug was upside down on top of the toys and spilling my Green Mountain Espresso all over the toys.

I ran to the coffee shop and pleaded for some paper towels to sop up the mess. It took two rounds of pleading to get enough towels to complete the sopping, but I think my quick action salvaged most of the toys. I delicately placed my radio controlled car on top and continued on my way feeling like Ebenezer Scrooge.

Why God? Why?

Saturday, December 17, 2011


Andy, holding a graham cracker in his left hand, says "Momma?" Now raising his right hand, "I was holding a graham in this hand but then put my hand in my bum." The hand goes back in the bum as a demonstration. I giggled.

Plus: He recognized the need for confession and/or sanitation and acted on it.
Minus: My laughing made him think this was funny, so his hand is now down his pants 33% of each day.